The Cost of Silence

I remember many years ago sitting with a leader who walked into my office ready to throw in the towel. 

"What's the fastest way to let them go?" they asked.

As they described everything that had gone wrong over the previous few months, I listened for a while before asking one simple question.

"Can you tell me about the conversations you've had with them?"

The room went quiet.

There had been plenty of frustration. Plenty of assumptions. Plenty of conversations about the employee.

But there hadn't been many meaningful conversations with the employee.

That conversation happened years ago, but I've never forgotten it because I've seen the same story play out hundreds of times since. Different organizations. Different leaders. Different people. The same silence.

Some days I really do get frustrated.

Time and time again I find myself talking with people who are carrying the weight of conversations that never happened. Sometimes it's a leader who doesn't know how to approach a struggling employee. Sometimes it's an employee who has spent months wondering if they're doing something wrong. Sometimes it's a colleague who feels tension growing but doesn't know how to address it.

And so the story plays out in remarkably similar ways. The employee continues working, believing they are doing a great job. Or perhaps they know something feels off, so they keep trying harder and harder, living in a quiet state of agony as they wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, wondering why nothing they do ever seems to be enough.

Every time I hear one of these stories, I find myself asking the same question.

Why didn't someone just start the conversation?

Over the years I've come to believe that most people don't avoid these conversations because they don't care. They avoid them because they're human. They don't know what to say. They worry they'll say the wrong thing. They don't have the time. They hope the situation will resolve itself. Or they convince themselves that now just isn't the right moment. Unfortunately, those moments have a way of turning into weeks, then months, and before anyone realizes it, silence has quietly become part of the culture.

The Irony of Silence

The irony is that silence is expensive.

Research from the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) suggests the true cost of replacing an employee can range anywhere from 50% to 200% of their annual salary, depending on the role. For senior leaders and executives, some estimates place that figure even higher once you account for the loss of organizational knowledge, productivity, relationships, and the time it takes for a new leader to build trust and become fully effective.

But while those numbers matter, they're not the part that bothers me most.

What bothers me is watching someone slowly lose confidence because nobody was willing to have an honest conversation sooner. What bothers me is watching teammates quietly carry extra work while frustration builds. What bothers me is seeing relationships deteriorate, not because people lacked ability, but because they lacked communication.

For everyone involved, it is almost always kinder to have the conversation.

Five Ways to Make the Conversation Easier

I'm not suggesting every difficult conversation needs to happen immediately or impulsively. In fact, I've learned that the best conversations are usually the ones we've prepared for well. If you've been putting one off, here are a few things that have helped me over the years.

1. Make sure you're both emotionally ready.

If you've had a terrible morning, you've just come out of a difficult meeting, or you're feeling frustrated, it might not be the best time. Difficult conversations require emotional maturity from both people. If you're bringing heightened emotions into the room, you're much more likely to react than respond. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is wait until you can bring your best self to the conversation.

2. Pay attention to your timing.

Timing matters. If it's quarter-end, busy season, or five minutes before someone heads off on vacation, it probably isn't the right moment. Sometimes we're so focused on having the conversation that we forget to consider whether the other person has the capacity to hear it well.

3. Quiet the conversation happening in your own head.

One lesson I've learned over the years is that there are usually three stories in every difficult conversation: your story, their story, and what actually happened. If you're so busy rehearsing what you're going to say, defending your position, or predicting how they're going to respond, you'll struggle to hear the third story. Curiosity will almost always serve you better than certainty.

4. Describe what you see, not what you think.

One of the simplest ways to lower defensiveness is to describe observable behaviour rather than assigning motive.

Instead of saying, "You've stopped caring about your work," try something like this:

"I noticed you arrived late on Monday, and during our team meeting you seemed to struggle to find your words. That's not usually like you, so I wanted to check in. Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do to support you?"

Notice the difference. One starts with judgment. The other starts with curiosity.

5. Don't stack the conversation.

This is one I see all the time. If today's conversation is about timekeeping, let it be about timekeeping. Don't use the opportunity to bring up the emails they forgot to send, the way they answer the phone, the meeting from last month, or the report that was late three weeks ago. When we stack conversations, people stop hearing us because they become overwhelmed. Stay with one issue, work through it well, and save the next conversation for another day.

Don't Wait for Someone Else to Start

One final thought.

While much of this article has been written with leaders in mind, the truth is these conversations don't belong exclusively to leaders.

If you're waiting for your manager to tell you how you're doing, don't be afraid to ask.

"I'd really value your feedback. Is there anything you think I could be doing differently?"

If you're sensing tension with a colleague, don't wait for someone else to fix it.

"I feel like something has shifted between us. Have I missed something? I'd really like to understand."

If you're the one who needs support, don't suffer in silence.

"I'm struggling a little at the moment. Do you have a few minutes to talk?"

Too often we wait for someone else to make the first move. We wait for the leader. We wait for HR. We wait for the annual performance review. We wait until someone else notices.

But healthy workplaces—and healthy relationships—are built when ordinary people are willing to have ordinary conversations before they become extraordinary problems.

If you care about the relationship, be willing to make the first move. Sometimes the greatest act of leadership isn't having all the answers—it's simply having the courage to start the conversation.

Just Talk

Over the years I've come to believe that one of the kindest things we can do for another person is to have an honest conversation. Not after we've run out of patience. Not after we've already made up our minds. But while there's still time for the conversation to make a difference.

Whether we're leading a team, working alongside colleagues, raising children, or investing in our closest relationships, the same principle applies. Most people don't expect perfection. They simply want clarity, kindness, and the opportunity to do better.

So whether you're the leader, the colleague, the employee, the spouse, the friend, or the parent, perhaps this is your encouragement to stop waiting for the perfect moment.

Just talk.

It may feel uncomfortable for a little while, but it could preserve a relationship, restore someone's confidence, help a person grow, or even change the trajectory of someone's life.

Who might you need to talk to today? 

Meet The Author

Leah JM Dean is a bestselling author, speaker, coach, and trusted advisor to organizations and leaders across the globe. She is also Founder and CEO of Conduit International Ltd., a professional and personal development solutions company dedicated to helping organizations, leaders, and women work smarter, live well, and foster meaningful connections. A self-proclaimed recovering workaholic, Leah is passionate about helping her clients find strategies to optimize their work, invest in their wellbeing, and make a lasting impact on the lives of those they touch. Join our community to receive our monthly newsletter—full of practical tips, tools, and inspiration. Sign up at www.leahjmdean.com/join.